Will and Testament
Vigdis Hjorth
This story was a context-less rec from a friend, and I'd done barely even a skim of a synopsis before starting. It wound up hitting uncomfortably close to things I was actively dealing with in my life.
The hidden pain that swells and grows inside you over years or decades. The denial and desperation and recklessness of those close to you when it inevitably and violently bursts open. The sundering of your soul as arguments are made and refuted and drastic actions are taken. The long and unbearable process of having all new forms and nuances of the pain hit you day after day while you second guess your choices and question everything you thought you knew and felt. The constant temptation to give the pain another chance, a re-evaluation, and being forcibly pulled back into doing so regardless of your wishes. The seeds of guilt planted by the pain and watered by the specter of good memories, making every bump in your new life feel like damnation. The asinine issues of modern life that arise and force you to interface with the pain and face everything all over again. The ghost of the pain haunting you, reminding you at every moment that it was a part of you, that it refuses to be left behind, that it is forever part of your story.
And that's just the first half of the book.
The second half would not have caught me so brutally off-guard if I had properly read literally any synopsis. I recommend doing so if you're considering reading this book. While it does get a bit explicit once or twice, it mostly speaks of The Big Incident with vague or indirect language; but, because the style of writing feels like an inner monologue turned novel-length confessional blog post, you feel the impact as if the protagonist were your own sister. It feels a bit voyeuristic, really. I was disarmed by the casual tone and unconventional sentence structures, so when it shifted from a down-to-earth and relatable struggle, to an unraveling of a pain held for decades more horrible than I have known... I was kinda shocked! But again, as long as you read the synopsis and take the big topics it mentions seriously, you shouldn't be caught unawares.
Will and Testament was incredible.