Many of the things I make these days are reflections of what I'm wrestling with internally. I hope it won't always be this way. I hope some day my art can come from a place of celebration or curiosity or comfort. That's not to say it would be all happy stories, or that my current work can't have happy things in it. It's just that suffering would no longer be my muse.

I don't necessarily find answers by making these things that reflect my struggles, but it at least helps give those struggles a form I can comprehend better than when it's just a noxious gas in my head. That's not really why I make art, though. The "why" is more of a compulsion, driven by strange mix of many things: A desire to be understood, genuine enjoyment of the craft, capitalistic pressures to be constantly productive, and spite against a world that wants to snuff out sincerity. It's probably also a bit of a coping mechanism.


"Cleanse yourself
Of the filth
Of privilege

Whether you are worthy of love
Or of abandonment

Can only be judged
In the raw purity
Of impotence"

~ A bad guy in a game I made


I struggle to accept that it's okay for me to seek better for myself. So many people are in more desperate need of help, of a better life. So many people are more deserving. "Deserving". That's the word I seem to fixate on. Where does this thought come from, that I can only have a better life if I deserve it, that I must earn the right to a better life? The greater the suffering, the more deserving of improvement. The lesser the suffering, the less deserving of improvement. If you escape great suffering, you lose the right to improve your life. If you want to improve your life, your life must first get worse.

Up until I wrote the above paragraph, I've known that line of thinking was messed up, but have been unable to clearly understand or articulate why.

Many truly terrible people exist. However, unless you are one of those people, I believe you inherently deserve your best life, or at least the autonomy to pursue bettering it. This is different from "pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps" in that I believe we should all be helping each other in any way we can. A person is not an island. Everyone needs help. Everyone should be able to ask for help. Everyone should be able to get help without proof of need. Everyone should give help freely. The amount of suffering in the world is synthesized and upheld by governments and bad actors. Suffering does not need to be inevitable.

I'm not exactly kind to myself most of the time, but I at least don't think I am a truly terrible person. So, by my own logic, that means I deserve to pursue a better life.


* * * * * * * * * *


So, what is my best life? I don't know precisely, but it probably involves some of this:

And what does all that require? Two things that feel diametrically opposed in the place and time I live: financial stability, and a self-determined schedule.

This is the part that I get hung up on. Literally every person would like to have financial stability and a self-determined schedule, right? Who the hell am I to be asking for others to help me achieve that for myself? Surely this is a naive and selfish desire, right? Maybe. Probably. But this "best life" will never take shape if I just accept the status quo and traditional avenues (both of which usually work against autonomy and self-determination anyways).


I don't expect anything to happen overnight, or over a year, or even necessarily happen the way I dream of at all. But I am here, I am always working hard to create things, and my dream exists nonetheless.

I may give things in exchange for support here (Patreon, etc), but it is not a transactional thing. I promise nothing other than to do my best.

Thank you.