You like most of your days to be spent...
(link-reveal-goto:"Simply and peacefully","filling")[(set: $dough to "plain")]
(link-reveal-goto:"As excitingly as possible","filling")[(set: $dough to "peanut butter")]
(link-reveal-goto:"Growing stronger","filling")[(set: $dough to "oats")]However, sometimes you do like to indulge in a bit of...
(link-reveal-goto:"Complete stillness until it physically hurts","pair")[(set: $filling to "none")]
(link-reveal-goto:"Romance utterly doomed to failure","pair")[(set: $filling to "chocolate chips")]
(link-reveal-goto:"Complex spreadsheeting with absolutely no practical value","pair")[(set: $filling to "raisins")]And all of that is best spent...
(link-reveal-goto:"Abandoned floating in the middle of the Pacific Ocean","result")[(set: $pair to "none")]
(link-reveal-goto:"In line at the DMV on the last day of the month","result")[(set: $pair to "drink")]{You like most of your days to be spent
(if:$dough is "plain")[''simply and peacefully''.]
(else-if:$dough is "peanut butter")[''as excitingly as possible''.]
(else-if:$dough is "oats")[''growing stronger''.]
However, sometimes you do like to indulge in a bit of
(if:$filling is "none")[''complete stillness until it physically hurts.'']
(else-if:$filling is "chocolate chips")[''romance utterly doomed to failure.''.]
(else-if:$filling is "raisins")[''complex spreadsheeting with absolutely no practical value.''.]
And all of that is best spent
(if:$pair is "none")[''abandoned floating in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.'']
(else-if:$pair is "drink")[''in line at the DMV on the last day of the month.'']
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[=
//DING!// The kitchen timer goes off... You open the oven... It's time for your treat:}
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[{''(bg:orange)[
(if:$dough is "plain")[Plain]
(else-if:$dough is "peanut butter")[Peanut butter]
(else-if:$dough is "oats")[Oatmeal]
(if:$filling is "none")[]
(else-if:$filling is "chocolate chips")[chocolate chip]
(else-if:$filling is "raisins")[raisin]
cookies,
(if:$pair is "none")[pure and simple.]
(else-if:$pair is "drink")[with a mug of delicious beverage!]
]''}]
As you indulge in this treat, you wonder if your treat of choice reveals some secret truth of your soul. Suddenly! A voice resounds within your mind, and in that moment you know with complete certainty... that this is your true voice speaking.
It says...
{(text-colour:gray)[(text-style:"blur")[''
(if:$dough is "plain" and $filling is "none" and $pair is "drink")
[They smell... simple. Just how you like it.
Unlike the countless barbarians that overload their cookies with extraneous flavors and thereby desensitize the tongues of millions around the world, you and your brethren of La Confrérie des Cookies have an appreciation for the finer things in life.
One bite of a plain cookie... //Mmmm//, you indulge in the subtleties of each component...
The sugar, the butter...
Ah yes, you used the expensive flour this time...
Grade AA eggs indeed...
Oh and the best part, only detectable by the most refined of palates: the gentle bitter zing of the baking soda.
And all of this is tied together in majesty with a boisson of your choice. Milk? Tea? Coffee? Hot cocoa? //Ohhh//, each one brings its own flourish to the way it highlights the cookie.
A bite, a sip, a bite, a sip, a bite, a sip... The sophisticated rhythm of pure ecstasy...]
(else-if:$dough is "plain" and $filling is "none" and $pair is "none")
[THE OVEN?! WHO DO YOU THINK I AM, THE CONFRÉRIE?! BAH!! THOSE TWIGS DON'T GET IT. THEY GO ON AND ON ABOUT THE FLAVOR NOTES, THINKING THEY'VE ACHIEVED ENLIGHTENMENT WITH THEIR BOOLSHITE. THEY'LL NEVER BREAK OUT OF THE PRISON OF THEIR WAYS. MIXING BOWLS? OVENS? EVEN A DRINK TO ACCOMPANY IT?! WHAT IS THIS, BLOOMING KINDERGARDEN COOKIE BABY PRESCHOOL FOR IMBECILES?!
NO... NO... YOU DON'T NEED ANY OF THAT. TO TRULY TASTE A COOKIE, TO TRULY UNDERSTAND A COOKIE, TO TRULY BECOME ONE WITH THE COOKIE IS TO INDULGE IN EACH AND EVERY COMPONENT //IN THE RAW//!
I CRUNCH INTO THE EGG AND SUP THE INSIDES. I EAT THE FLOUR FROM THE BAG WITH A SPOON. I INSPECT EACH GRAIN OF SUGAR AND ONLY EAT THE PUREST. THE BAKING SODA IS BEST INJESTED THROUGH THE NOSE (THE CONFRÉRIE HATES TO ADMIT THAT ONE MWEHEHEHEHE).
...IT'S STILL NOT ENOUGH THOUGH...
...I SHOULD BUY A FARM...]
(else-if:$dough is "plain" and $filling is "chocolate chips" and $pair is "drink")
[Ahh, the classic chocolate chip cookie. You truly cannot go wrong with that. They taste like childhood, like friendship, like home.
Eating them on their own is fine and all, but you like to indulge a bit more. A small taste of luxury in your otherwise simple and homely life. That's right, a simple drink.
You could do tea... You could do coffee... But, really, nothing beats a cold glass of milk. Milk and cookies. It's iconic for a reason!
//Mmmm// the soggy cookie that gains nothing from being soaked in milk... //Mmmm// the bits of cookie that fall into the glass and turn into surprise sludge as you drink...
//Perfect!//]
(else-if:$dough is "plain" and $filling is "chocolate chips" and $pair is "none")
[Ahh, the classic chocolate chip cookie. You truly cannot go wrong with that. They taste like childhood, like friendship, like home.
Many people try to dip them in a glass of milk... But you're enlightened. You know that's propaganda from Big Milk. All it does is get your cookie soggy and leave a cookie-like sludge at the bottom of your glass. No one //actually// likes it. They've just been brainwashed by the industry.
Nah, you're smarter than that. You see the truth clearly. A cookie is best enjoy on its own. Simple, complete, perfect.]
(else-if:$dough is "plain" and $filling is "raisins" and $pair is "drink")
[You're in denial. Plain cookies... with raisins. Really?
Listen, you don't need to deprive yourself of good things. It's okay to have a chocolate chip or two every now and then. You don't need to ruin an otherwise good cookie with... raisins.
Look, you've even got a drink to help you wash it down. You wouldn't have that if you actually //liked// the cookie you're eating.
Here, come with me. Let's go melt some chocolate and drizzle it on top.
Isn't that better? That's right.]
(else-if:$dough is "plain" and $filling is "raisins" and $pair is "none")
[What is wrong with you?
Who eats something like this without even a drink to wash it down?
You're better than this...
No, I refuse to accept this outcome. Click the back arrows and make smarter life decisions.]
(else-if:$dough is "peanut butter" and $filling is "none" and $pair is "none")
[You appreciate a strong foundation.
Peanut butter.
Full of flavor all on its own. Hearty. Filling. Nutritious. Delicious. A bit of a loner, but only because it has high standards. There's not much that can improve upon what's already the complete package.
Do you feel like peanut butter?]
(else-if:$dough is "peanut butter" and $filling is "none" and $pair is "drink")
[Peanut butter is powerful. It's hearty. It's filling. It's nutritious. It's delicious.
Truly, does a peanut butter lover want for anything?
Perhaps, for some, it is indeed //too// powerful. Some cannot handle perfection, and must chase it with a beverage. It is too bright and shining to gaze upon directly.
When you consider the peanut butter cookie, and feel the need to filter its true essence, do you think this is a reflection of something lacking in your own soul?]
(else-if:$dough is "peanut butter" and $filling is "chocolate chips" and $pair is "none")
[Everybody loves peanut butter and chocolate! Right?
It's the perfect combination! Right?
You've been lied to all your life. You don't question it, either. You just accept this cultural norm as incontrovertible fact.
You need to be more curious. You need to be more thoughtful. Chocolate overpowers basically everything it accompanies. When you're eating "peanut butter and chocolate," you're really just eating chocolate. In order to taste the peanut butter, the amount of chocolate needs to be so low that it may as well not even be there.
It's time to face reality. Peanut butter is good. Chocolate is good. But, together? It's a problematic relationship. It's a reflection of our patriarchical society.
Down with the patriarchy!]
(else-if:$dough is "peanut butter" and $filling is "chocolate chips" and $pair is "drink")
[Everybody loves peanut butter and chocolate! Right?
It's the perfect combination! Right?
Except... you don't really believe that, do you? No, no. Don't deny it. I see that drink you have with you. Every time you take a bite of that peanut butter and chocolate chip cookie, you feel a sickness in the pit of your stomach and an urge to wash it down as quickly as possible.
It's okay. It shows that you understand this pairing is deeply wrong. I'm here to open your eyes to what you feel but do not see: The combination of peanut butter and chocolate is a psyop designed to prop up the patriarchy.
That's right. Chocolate overpowers everything it's paired with. It's a pure distillation of toxic masculinity. Chocolate //is// the patriarchy! DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY!
Welcome to the movement, comrade!]
(else-if:$dough is "peanut butter" and $filling is "raisins" and $pair is "none")
[You are simply evil. You thrive in darkness. It is your nature. You live for pain and devastation. You want to see the world burn. Your heart is filled with hate and malice. There is no hope for you.]
(else-if:$dough is "peanut butter" and $filling is "raisins" and $pair is "drink")
[You think you're so //cool// don't you? So edgy. So unique. So avant-garde. You want everyone to know it, too.
You're lying to everyone and to yourself. Is your life truly so empty?
It's okay to hurt. It's okay to feel like you don't belong. But there's no need to put on this act. You don't need to push everyone away.
Open your heart a bit. There is a place for you out there. There is love for you out there.]
(else-if:$dough is "oats" and $filling is "none" and $pair is "none")
[You have no time for frivolity. Cookies?! Hah, you only made these to keep up appearances. No one likes a cookie hater, after all.
Oat cookies, eaten straight. A simple filling snack. No one needs to know you excluded all sweetener. Purely utilitarian.
That's okay. I won't tell. That's a bit of a freak move tbh, but I respect it. I respect a freak. You do you.]
(else-if:$dough is "oats" and $filling is "none" and $pair is "drink")
[...You do realize you could've just made oatmeal, right? Isn't this a little overdramatic? Did these really need to be cookies?
Ehh whatever. If it makes you happy, who am I to judge?]
(else-if:$dough is "oats" and $filling is "chocolate chips" and $pair is "none")
[Okay, listen. It's not really any healthier just because it's an oat cookie. Sure, sure, you say you just like the taste of the oats. //Ooookaaaay// haha //sure// ;)
I mean... At least you didn't do raisins. You aren't //that// hopeless.]
(else-if:$dough is "oats" and $filling is "chocolate chips" and $pair is "drink")
[...//sighhhhh//
Okay you're not as bad as the "oats, no filling, with drink" guy... But listen. You can add chocolate chips to oatmeal, y'know? You don't gotta bother with the oven and making batter and all that.
(text-style:"subscript")[//there really are all kinds of people in this world huh...//]]
(else-if:$dough is "oats" and $filling is "raisins" and $pair is "none")
[Ah. You're one of //those// people. And not even a drink to wash down this vile concoction? That's cruel, my friend.
The world is moving on, and you need to catch up. Some things are better left in the past. It's okay and sometimes healthy or //necessary// to abandon traditions.
Trust me. Everyone -- you included! -- will be better happier with this left behind. Don't be like that one childhood friend's mom. You are your own person. A new generation. You have the power to shape the world now. Will you really let the past hold you back?]
(else-if:$dough is "oats" and $filling is "raisins" and $pair is "drink")
[So you're one of //those// people. You know what you're doing, too. You're the worst hypocrite of them all.
You clearly see the wrongness of your ways. Just under the surface, you know you're causing harm.
Take off your mask, friend. You know the truth already.
Let's make the world a better place. The best time to stop making oatmeal raisin cookies is yesterday. The second best time is now.]
'']]}